If only

If only my brother could understand how difficult it is to live a life, may be he wouldnt say those sharp words to me.

If only my brother could think in a mature way, he wouldnt think that he got bored with failures and chose to be unemployee without any consideration.

If only my brother could understand how much efforts that my mom, my dad and I made to make him continue his studying, maybe he wouldnt just give up and being ignorant.

My dear brother, you know, long time ago when I was in your age, I was so afraid and frustrated cz I had no chance to continue my study to university. I still remember it clearly how sick my father was at that time that he had no more choices but to spend all of my education fees for his medication and I had no right to say no. Cz I want him to be healthy. At that time, it was difficult to give up on my education and chose to work instead, but finally Allah gave me a miracle called a scholarship. And I know that I got it not because I was smart but because of my parents prayers.. My mom strong hopes..

But today, when I talked to my brother and I confirmed to him whether he wants to continue studying or not, the answer was up to me, he said. He didnt directly blame our parents but I can decipher it from his intention. He said that he was bored of being failed all the time, he was tired of going here and there just for tests, and he doesnt care anymore about his future. He seems like a person who doesnt have dreams, like an empty nutshell. Of course I was mad, really mad! Listening to the way he said made me furious yet sad at the same time. Din, you know, at least you have someone who will pay for your education fee no matter what. At least our father is healthy now and can accompany you for tests. At least our family's financial is good now. But why? Why dont you realize it?? Why dont you see our parents efforts? Why dont u appreciate it???
There are many things in my mind that I really want to tell to my brother but sadly I am not good at expressing it to him. He might thinks that I am just nagging at him. 

If only he could just see my mind like a mind reader maybe he would understand these feelings..
Right now, I am just hoping that everything will run well and he will change his mind. I dont want those efforts of us being useless..

If only I can throw him away, make him suffer until he can understand how difficult a life is. But I cant. I still want my brother to success. I still want to give the best for him. Arrgh! These mixed feelings are taking a toll on me!!!

Dear Allah, please help my brother.. Please lead him to the right path.. Amin..