Everlasting Stories

If only my brother could understand how difficult it is to live a life, may be he wouldnt say those sharp words to me.

If only my brother could think in a mature way, he wouldnt think that he got bored with failures and chose to be unemployee without any consideration.

If only my brother could understand how much efforts that my mom, my dad and I made to make him continue his studying, maybe he wouldnt just give up and being ignorant.

My dear brother, you know, long time ago when I was in your age, I was so afraid and frustrated cz I had no chance to continue my study to university. I still remember it clearly how sick my father was at that time that he had no more choices but to spend all of my education fees for his medication and I had no right to say no. Cz I want him to be healthy. At that time, it was difficult to give up on my education and chose to work instead, but finally Allah gave me a miracle called a scholarship. And I know that I got it not because I was smart but because of my parents prayers.. My mom strong hopes..

But today, when I talked to my brother and I confirmed to him whether he wants to continue studying or not, the answer was up to me, he said. He didnt directly blame our parents but I can decipher it from his intention. He said that he was bored of being failed all the time, he was tired of going here and there just for tests, and he doesnt care anymore about his future. He seems like a person who doesnt have dreams, like an empty nutshell. Of course I was mad, really mad! Listening to the way he said made me furious yet sad at the same time. Din, you know, at least you have someone who will pay for your education fee no matter what. At least our father is healthy now and can accompany you for tests. At least our family's financial is good now. But why? Why dont you realize it?? Why dont you see our parents efforts? Why dont u appreciate it???
There are many things in my mind that I really want to tell to my brother but sadly I am not good at expressing it to him. He might thinks that I am just nagging at him. 

If only he could just see my mind like a mind reader maybe he would understand these feelings..
Right now, I am just hoping that everything will run well and he will change his mind. I dont want those efforts of us being useless..

If only I can throw him away, make him suffer until he can understand how difficult a life is. But I cant. I still want my brother to success. I still want to give the best for him. Arrgh! These mixed feelings are taking a toll on me!!!

Dear Allah, please help my brother.. Please lead him to the right path.. Amin..

It was early morning,
I am on my way to Bekasi.. and she was sitting there, next to me..
She was wearing black veils, wide black skirt, sport shoes, big white jacket and that bag - a square blue jeans bag with a red tie - yes, that suit-like bag.. and the scent of orange..
She just exatcly looked like that person.. huft.. (but the height is different)
And I can't help but took a deep breath..
Dear Allah, is it a sign? Or just coincidence?

There's time when you miss someone out of the blue, and it just happened to me..
Today I went to Japanese festival in UI with my annoying young uncle.. we ride commuters, actually everything happens just as usual, we always talk about anime or casual things, but when he asked me about the train route and which is the far one that I've visited and suddenly I mentioned Serpong..
Then, when he asked why, and I said because I had to spend one day timezone voucher in Supermall Karawaci, he laughed.. but I ain't.. I just space out and I don't know why suddenly that feeling comes, like a flashbacks, everything comes at once.. and I can't help but missing that person.. then I just tell my young uncle everything that I did in timezone with that person, though my uncle think that it was crazy, going to a far place just for voucher.. haha

Then, here it is..

Hey, akuma-chan,
It's almost been a year since the last time we had a trip together, though I create a distance between us recently but sometimes this moments come, when I miss you, coz we used to do those crazy things together and now we don't..
It's sometimes hard for me because every single things in my life reminds me about you, though I could cope with it now, almost.

Last week, your mom sent a message to me, she said she missed me and she wanted me to visit your house when I have holiday.. At that time I didn't know what to reply..coz our situation is different now, and I don't want to break the peace..
So, I just said that I can't promise it but I'll try to come, maybe, someday.

It just so sad since I love your family like mine, it's so hard to make a distance.. I am sorry, I don't know how to tell it to you, too.. so I didn't write anything, it's not because I don't care, I just don't know what to say, and I know you will understand..

Missing someone, it hurts sometimes, but I feel glad too.. because I have those great memories that I can share with my friends.. if we see the bright side of those memories, with someone who no longer with us, it will be a huge motivation, because at least you've done many unforgettable things with someone who knows you the best.. and it will be precious, because this memories make you strong when you meet the hardships in life.. like a patronus in Harry Potter movie..

Though we are not together now, but I'm glad to meet you and have you as one of my precious best friends, and I will never forget you, akuma-chan..
Be strong and have a happy life wherever you are whomever you with..
Because many people love you, adore you and support you for whatever you do..
See you, someday.. ^^
Saranghae nae chinguya~

I was struggling to get over the loneliness last week, yeah, it's still a bit lonely but it's not as worst as last week,
I think I've friend with the silence in this boarding house.. hehe

Guess what? Something good always happened in a bad condition, I admit that being alone made me lonely and since I didn't have many close friends it's kinda hard to express my feelings, some people might not understand it..

But last week I've realized a lot of things, like if we open up our mind, try to contact old friends and keep in touch with new circle, it made me feel like I am not alone.. yeah, at least lot of people care, they accept me, the one who ever made them as 'options' in the past..

I even found a sister that really understand how I felt on those "dark days".. it's rare and unexpected since we just a housemate before but last Thursday, like a water, it's overflowing, like I didn't know why I could easily tell everything to her, like finding a-really-close sister to talk to..
I know that sometimes I am picky, in choosing a close friend, because I can't really open up to people about my privacy.
But I am gradually changed..

I am afraid of a goodbye because I don't want to lose those precious people of mine, but I realize that they will always be there, if they truly love me, distance is not a matter..

Recently, I learn to reply all the text faster, hang out with math friends from SSE, who think differently about me (they previously thought me as a shy and too kind girl, they didn't know that I can be crazy too.. haha) and I also planting positive mind every day..

I started to be grateful of what I have, I never know before that a lot of people want to be close with me, they care about my problems, I never know that I could be this outgoing, I never know that I could be this strong over the loneliness..
I was blind before, I am too focus on one thing.. and now I could see everything clearly..

This is me now, I am no longer 'I am' yesterday.. now I wanna meet new friends, getting close with many people, learn to care, learn to give little things that make them happy, I want to be at least a reason of someone's smile.. I want to be a better person.. and I know that the best is yet to come..
I will never give up on this overwhelming condition, and I know I can pass it well, because only with positive mind I will get over it..
Hope tomorrow will be better.. ^^ Ganbatte ne! Assaaa~

Things that I hate the most are 'a goodbye' and 'being alone'..
I don't know exactly why, maybe because I am an extrovert and a bit dramatic..
Right now, Allah gives me those things at once.. it is hard, because I couldn't cope with it yet..
I thought I could pass it without feeling empty but in fact it is wrong..
Two goodbyes, alone in this boarding house, work loads, no one to talk, I even starting to talk to myself subconciously, hadeuh, what the hell is happening to me now? (Movie effect, too many rude words)

I think this is a condition called overload.. haha
Pretending to be alright, forcing my self to look cheerful though it hurts inside..
Ah, I am not that strong, maybe I am too confident about myself, I end up being pathetic..

Last month, when cepii left, I tried not to show that I didn't want her to go.. I think I made her believe that I will not that sad when she's gone.. I am just fooling myself..
Dear cepii, I am so sorry for being egoist recently, I restricted myself to not too close with you, I sometimes stay in my room and never really open to you.. I guess I am just afraid of that feeling, of a goodbye..
But I was wrong, we've been close without I even realize it.. and I really miss you now.. you always listen to me, we even watch anime together, I cannot watch hunter x hunter now because I might cry, haha so funny right, we used to talk about killua, kurapika and wing-san everytime.. and if I watch it, I will miss you more..

I've never been a crybaby before, but I just hate being alone, because I always think too much.. I can't stop myself because I don't have anyone to talk to.. when someone around, that person can distract me, to not being stressful..
Cepii, you ever said that I always look happy, eventhough I have lots of problems at work.. actually it's because I have you at that time.. extroverts need people to share their feelings.. finally, I get the answer.. hheu
I will never know how precious you are in my life until you're not here anymore.. hhe at least I can feel grateful for the moments we've shared on the last two months.. :-)

I know I have to wipe away this miserable feelings soon, I won't let it occupies me.. since I cannot talk to anyone right now, better to write everything down here, I believe writing is healing, because now I feel much better..

I hope I could find a way to not being lonely.. aaargh newcomers please live at this boarding house soon.. this emptiness is starting to swallow me.. I have to fight it! Yoosshh~ \(>o<)/

Katanya "ga apa2 sekali2 jadi egois", ini adalah kata kata yg sangat membekas..
Entah kenapa kata 'egois' seakan asing, mungkin karna lama terkubur kali ya..
Empat bulan ini hidupku terlalu damai, mungkin aq terlalu bebas, terlalu bahagia, walau seringkali merasa bosan..
Rasanya seperti kembali ke masa SMA, kedamaian yg kdang terasa kosong.. tapi aq merasa nyaman dengan diriku,,
Sekarang aq menyadari alasan utama kenapa aq tambah tembem, trnyata karna ga ada hal yg benar2 harus dipikirkan..
Pada dasarnya aku emg plegmatis yg cuek sih, kalau stress sama kerjaan ya tinggal beli camilan enak, nonton, baca komik dan tidur.. besoknya pasti sehat lagi..
Jarang banget ada hal hal yg bikin kepikiran, kecuali kalo itu menyangkut hati, aga susah emang..
Karna aku tipikal yg hidup dengan hati, bukan logika.. cewe banget deh..
Makanya ketika kemarin dan hari ini perasaan galau jaman "dark period" itu datang lagi, rasanya pusiiing...
Ga ingin ngerasain itu lagi, ga ingin balik ke masa itu lagi.. ampe mimpi buruk deh..
Kalo bisa amnesia, dengan senang hati aku akan melupakan semua hal yg ada hubungannya dengan "dark period" itu.. sungguh..
Makanya, ketika lagi galau banget, aku senang sekali ada yg mengatakan klo aku blh egois..
"Terlalu baik" "sabar" " pendengar setia" smua sebutan itu kayaknya udah nempel di jidat,, padahal, aku bukan orang yg baik lho.. aku sungguh jahat, ketika aku benci pada sesuatu, aku benar2 akan menghilangkan keberadaan sesuatu itu dari duniaku, gini2 kata2ku sadis lho..
Cuma aku terlalu pintar menahan diri, terlalu terbiasa sulit menolak, terlalu mudah untuk menerima, terlalu gampang memberikan toleransi, terlalu cepat merasa ga enak.. makanya jatohnya jadi macam begini..
Kadang aku jg ingin jadi antagonis yg bs melakukan apa saja sesuka hati..
Kayaknya kalo ada privat untuk menjadi egois, aku langsung hired tuh guru.. hehe
Kata miss tina, aku harus banyak latihan, dan kayaknya ossi udah lumayan bikin aku jadi orang jahat deh di kantor.. bukan maksud mau ikutan ngebully , cm aku ga ingin berurusan terlalu banyak dengannya.. jadi mencuekkan dia adalah cara yg tepat untuk jaga jarak..
Miss tina juga banyak deh kasih petuah macam2 buat jd manusia yg lebih manusiawi, katanya.. karna egois jg salah satu sifat manusiawi.. cuma itu ga semudah niup bulu mata..

Makanya, aku harap dengan lebih ngedengerin kata hati kayak hari ini, aku bisa latihan untuk menumbuhkan egoisme yg kurang berkembang..
Walaupun tentu semua ada resikonya..
Hanya, belajar untuk melepaskan itu butuh waktu.. melepaskan beban pikiran dan perasaan yg ga perlu..
Aku cuma berharap, suatu saat nanti, di waktu yg dekat ini, aq bisa memulai romansa dengan seseorang yg ditakdirkan.. #efekdramadansinetron
Hehe
"Menulis itu menyembuhkan" ternyata ini benar, aku merasa lega banget udah nulis ini.. walaupun absurd tulisannya.. hehe
Ayooo semangaaaat!!!

This is it,, :-) just a short reflection..

My wish for 2014:
Meet someone who will stay by my side and only look at me..
Breaking this invisible wall, open up my heart to people who want to be close with me..
Being strong.
Being a good person.

This photo was taken last week, at that time, it was the worst day ever, because I got flu and terrible cough and it was raining for the whole day. To be honest, if I could, I would be absent, but I will lost my bonus.. huhu
So, I forced my self to work..
Miss fairy said my eyes were swollen and I looked very sleepy (of course because I just wanna sleep at that time), thus she decided to put on some make up to my face..though I don't really like having make up on my face but I obey her because I need it.
It was weird and miss fairy even told mr.dementor, eerrgh,,
But I realize that as a woman I need to have at least knowledge on make up because it is useful.. I can put some camouflage like having fresh face while actually I am sick at that time,
But it was quite funny when the adult ( my colleague and my boss) said I am beautiful having make up, on the other hand, my students dislike it, they said it's "menor" and they like me with natural looks..
I am glad to know that they think so, and I don't need to force myself to put make up on my face,, I think my students gave honest opinion,,
It's raining right now and I am on my way to teach Jun Gyu, hope I will not late,, hehe

I ever heard a story from my colleague at office, it was about her love story.
She had been in relationship for 7 years w/ her first love and the man meant everything for her.. but one day, they had to break up because of their ego.. this friend of mine is a really mood maker person and very cheerful, she said for a year pasca broken up w/ him, she was living like a zombie, tried to do many things to forget him, but she never cry at all, but one day, a year later, she was eating w/ her friend and suddenly cried unstoppably cz a sudden feeling that remind her w/ the man. When I heard the story it's quite weird, but yesterday I felt it.
I was downloading some videos because I got insomnia, this damn cough not letting me sleep well, I keep coughing, drinking and going to toilet, errrrgh.
Yuph I was listening to park ji min, when she covered Beyonce'song irreplaceable, and suddenly feel sad and lost, because suddenly I remembered a person who used to sing in the way Ji Min sing, and it was ' nyesek ' and I cried without any specific reason. Fortunately the message came and it was the person, and the person sang for me and I feel like relieve and overflow by the sudden feeling, it's out of control actually but when the person asked me why, I couldn't give an exact reason, I just feel lost, feel something lost and I don't know how to express it,,
And I don't know why suddenly I want to write these things,, hhehe
Argh tomorrow it's Monday, now I know why people hate Monday, hhe
Hope every good thing will come to me soon,, hope everyone that I love will get much happiness and hope they always healthy,. :)

1. 1.       Super star 8 = 3 students

1. 2.       Super star 2 = 7 students

1. 3.       Super star 3= 9 students

1. 1.       Rainbow 2= 12 students

1. 2.       Rainbow 4 = 4 students

The new teacher in my office seemed to make many problems, it made everyone explode.. :D
I, personally, will never match with her, because she's trying to be close with me and Miss Fairy warned me to be careful with that kind of person..
The new teacher, she is one year older than me,
Miss Fairy said she is shifty but a bit stupid.
Last week, she tried to report something bad about me to Miss Fairy.
It's because I didn't want to share my lesson plan with her. It's because she is manipulative person who is never feel thankful when people help her. She will use people to safe herself. Even she never reflect on what she did, that's why people don't want to care about her anymore. She even cried in front of Mr. Dementor just to make him feel pity of her.. beuh..
I just want to say this to her, it's a quotation from unpopular talk show "Kalo gak sanggup, SANGGUPIN!". hehehe
She is so spoil, and annoying..
just hope she will resign soon.. #DevilWish
Quote from miss fairy "Ada dia di kantor malah nambah dosa kita keuheul sama dia"
wkwkwk :p

It's painful,
when you really want to forget a person..
When you really hate that person,
and when you almost let the person go..
but there's always thing that make you won't..
because you live in a place that full of memories of that person..
because you live with people who really know that person..
because you-probably- want to keep those memories, tough it hurts..


you have too many things that connect you with that person..
Even if you want to disappear, you can't..
Even if you want to block that person FB or just erase the phone number, it's useless..
because you have too many things between you and that person.. because it's too late to let it go,,
because it's hard even to think about it so many times, you've got tired with it..



It's painful,
when you realize that the person you hate the most, is the person you ever give all your heart to
and it's more painful, when you realize it will never be the same.. never.
though you've tried.
to forget is more difficult than to begin.

Recently, I've spent a lot of time reading BaekYeol fanfics.. but this time I read the English version from livejournal.com .. it was far better than reading the indonesian version.. cz the way the author describe the story was beautiful (despite I learned the language too).. Nah, Suddenly I want to share the latest pict of Chanyeollie~ he was cooooooool and sweeeeeeeet enough to make me fall again.. >.< and the newest album of EXO was two thumbs up!!! recommended to be downloaded.. :D (I'll do it later because the inet connection was bad.. hiks)

The latest news is about my new bias.. His name is Yook Sungjae, he is from BTOB, new korean boyband (of course). I could not upload his picture because the inet connection is very bad now,, so I'll do it later at office.. hehe :p
Talking about Sungjae, his face is a bit look like Seo In-Guk from Reply 1997.. but sweetest than him.. and I just like him because his voice is good and he is the main vocalist also (let's put aside his sweet face. LOL)
Though he's not really  popular but he is quite funny and playful person.. a bit similar with Chanyeollie sih.,. my type.. hehhehe

Beside Sungjae, I also like Lee MinHyuk from BTOB.. he is my 2nd bias.. I don't really like him but I fall for him after seeing BTOB MV (Irresistible lips). He became the model with a girl who acted in Cinderella Step Sister, that a-doll-like girl.. and he was GREAT in acting.. for sure I love his eyes.. hehehehe #blushing

Now, I keep looking for BTOB news and MVs.. and I can't stop playing 2nd Confession MV and When I was your man MV.. it was an AWESOME song!! their voices are better than SuJu sih, though they're not really handsome.. hahaha their song My Girl and Father also good.. and I was surprised because most of them were born at 1993-1994.. WTF!! Seems that I'm old.. hiks.. but I don't feel that way, most people always believe me when I said I'm still a high school girl.. LOL.. ^0^


I think it's enough for today.. hehe can't wait to upload their photos tomorrow.. Ja Ne Minna-san!!