Everlasting Stories

Today is my birthday.. Actually getting older makes a birthday less exciting than couple years ago.. I didn't celebrate my birthday at office, I told them to celebrate it tomorrow since there will be more people to eat the cake.. I didn't celebrate it today but I got to eat Tous Les Jours cake at the Korean Family's house before teaching the sisters.. I was so happy..
I didn't celebrate it today but I got some beautiful messages from my family and friends.. even from my former Boss.. that was unpredictable.. I feel blessed..
I didn't plan to celebrate it today but when I came home, my boarding house mates gave me cakes and celebrate it with me.. I can't ask for more than this..
This is my birthday, I am 27 years old, still as childish as a 17 years old teenager.. still waiting for my prince charming.. still wondering about my future...
However, I am blessed with a good family, kind-hearted friends who spent their time just to send messages and celebrate this day with me..
Dear Allah... Thank you, thank you for everything you've given to me up until now.. I can never repay it even with my life.. I promise I'll love You more... :)

If only my brother could understand how difficult it is to live a life, may be he wouldnt say those sharp words to me.

If only my brother could think in a mature way, he wouldnt think that he got bored with failures and chose to be unemployee without any consideration.

If only my brother could understand how much efforts that my mom, my dad and I made to make him continue his studying, maybe he wouldnt just give up and being ignorant.

My dear brother, you know, long time ago when I was in your age, I was so afraid and frustrated cz I had no chance to continue my study to university. I still remember it clearly how sick my father was at that time that he had no more choices but to spend all of my education fees for his medication and I had no right to say no. Cz I want him to be healthy. At that time, it was difficult to give up on my education and chose to work instead, but finally Allah gave me a miracle called a scholarship. And I know that I got it not because I was smart but because of my parents prayers.. My mom strong hopes..

But today, when I talked to my brother and I confirmed to him whether he wants to continue studying or not, the answer was up to me, he said. He didnt directly blame our parents but I can decipher it from his intention. He said that he was bored of being failed all the time, he was tired of going here and there just for tests, and he doesnt care anymore about his future. He seems like a person who doesnt have dreams, like an empty nutshell. Of course I was mad, really mad! Listening to the way he said made me furious yet sad at the same time. Din, you know, at least you have someone who will pay for your education fee no matter what. At least our father is healthy now and can accompany you for tests. At least our family's financial is good now. But why? Why dont you realize it?? Why dont you see our parents efforts? Why dont u appreciate it???
There are many things in my mind that I really want to tell to my brother but sadly I am not good at expressing it to him. He might thinks that I am just nagging at him. 

If only he could just see my mind like a mind reader maybe he would understand these feelings..
Right now, I am just hoping that everything will run well and he will change his mind. I dont want those efforts of us being useless..

If only I can throw him away, make him suffer until he can understand how difficult a life is. But I cant. I still want my brother to success. I still want to give the best for him. Arrgh! These mixed feelings are taking a toll on me!!!

Dear Allah, please help my brother.. Please lead him to the right path.. Amin..

I was struggling to get over the loneliness last week, yeah, it's still a bit lonely but it's not as worst as last week,
I think I've friend with the silence in this boarding house.. hehe

Guess what? Something good always happened in a bad condition, I admit that being alone made me lonely and since I didn't have many close friends it's kinda hard to express my feelings, some people might not understand it..

But last week I've realized a lot of things, like if we open up our mind, try to contact old friends and keep in touch with new circle, it made me feel like I am not alone.. yeah, at least lot of people care, they accept me, the one who ever made them as 'options' in the past..

I even found a sister that really understand how I felt on those "dark days".. it's rare and unexpected since we just a housemate before but last Thursday, like a water, it's overflowing, like I didn't know why I could easily tell everything to her, like finding a-really-close sister to talk to..
I know that sometimes I am picky, in choosing a close friend, because I can't really open up to people about my privacy.
But I am gradually changed..

I am afraid of a goodbye because I don't want to lose those precious people of mine, but I realize that they will always be there, if they truly love me, distance is not a matter..

Recently, I learn to reply all the text faster, hang out with math friends from SSE, who think differently about me (they previously thought me as a shy and too kind girl, they didn't know that I can be crazy too.. haha) and I also planting positive mind every day..

I started to be grateful of what I have, I never know before that a lot of people want to be close with me, they care about my problems, I never know that I could be this outgoing, I never know that I could be this strong over the loneliness..
I was blind before, I am too focus on one thing.. and now I could see everything clearly..

This is me now, I am no longer 'I am' yesterday.. now I wanna meet new friends, getting close with many people, learn to care, learn to give little things that make them happy, I want to be at least a reason of someone's smile.. I want to be a better person.. and I know that the best is yet to come..
I will never give up on this overwhelming condition, and I know I can pass it well, because only with positive mind I will get over it..
Hope tomorrow will be better.. ^^ Ganbatte ne! Assaaa~

Things that I hate the most are 'a goodbye' and 'being alone'..
I don't know exactly why, maybe because I am an extrovert and a bit dramatic..
Right now, Allah gives me those things at once.. it is hard, because I couldn't cope with it yet..
I thought I could pass it without feeling empty but in fact it is wrong..
Two goodbyes, alone in this boarding house, work loads, no one to talk, I even starting to talk to myself subconciously, hadeuh, what the hell is happening to me now? (Movie effect, too many rude words)

I think this is a condition called overload.. haha
Pretending to be alright, forcing my self to look cheerful though it hurts inside..
Ah, I am not that strong, maybe I am too confident about myself, I end up being pathetic..

Last month, when cepii left, I tried not to show that I didn't want her to go.. I think I made her believe that I will not that sad when she's gone.. I am just fooling myself..
Dear cepii, I am so sorry for being egoist recently, I restricted myself to not too close with you, I sometimes stay in my room and never really open to you.. I guess I am just afraid of that feeling, of a goodbye..
But I was wrong, we've been close without I even realize it.. and I really miss you now.. you always listen to me, we even watch anime together, I cannot watch hunter x hunter now because I might cry, haha so funny right, we used to talk about killua, kurapika and wing-san everytime.. and if I watch it, I will miss you more..

I've never been a crybaby before, but I just hate being alone, because I always think too much.. I can't stop myself because I don't have anyone to talk to.. when someone around, that person can distract me, to not being stressful..
Cepii, you ever said that I always look happy, eventhough I have lots of problems at work.. actually it's because I have you at that time.. extroverts need people to share their feelings.. finally, I get the answer.. hheu
I will never know how precious you are in my life until you're not here anymore.. hhe at least I can feel grateful for the moments we've shared on the last two months.. :-)

I know I have to wipe away this miserable feelings soon, I won't let it occupies me.. since I cannot talk to anyone right now, better to write everything down here, I believe writing is healing, because now I feel much better..

I hope I could find a way to not being lonely.. aaargh newcomers please live at this boarding house soon.. this emptiness is starting to swallow me.. I have to fight it! Yoosshh~ \(>o<)/

Movie that inspires me a lot!! >o<

The sweet couple- Carl & Ellie- I hope I could find someone whom loved me like Carl to Ellie..

Somewhere in Japan.. beautiful rite? :)

Sore itu kebetulan aku gak dapet tempat duduk.. kopaja 20 itu, seperti biasa padat.. berpuluh orang berdesakan kayak sapi2 yg dipaksa muat dalam 1 kandang..
didepanku duduk dua orang mbak2 yg nampaknya cukup dekat.. disampingku berdiri seorang gadis tinggi berjilbab yg menenteng tas tangan.. karena ruang di kopaja sudah terlalu sempit, maka tas tangan itu disampirkan pada tangan yg memegang besi di bagian atas kopaja.. tanpa sengaja seiring pergerakan kopaja yg gak menentu.. tas tangan itu mengenai salah satu dari mbak2 di depanku.. teman di sebelahnya mencolek gadis tinggi pemilik tas tangan itu dan memintanya utk menaruhnya d tempat lain karna tidak ingin benda itu mengenai wajah temannya..
teguran itu ditanggapi dengan tenang oleh si Gadis Tinggi, dia memindahkan posisi tas ke tangan satu lagi.. namun, masih dengan tenang dia mengeluarkan handphonenya, dgn lihai dya menekan icon burung biru unyu2 d HP nya.. tanpa kesulitan dia mengetik beberapa kata d HP ny yg berbunyi "KALO GAK MAU KESENGGOL GAK USAH NAIK KOPAJA!!!" selesai mengetik dia tekan tombol post it.. lalu dya masukin kembali HP nya dan asik memandang keluar jendela kotak besi tua yang berlari setengah kesetanan ini..



 Refleksi: trnyta orang itu lebih jujur di jejaring sosial daripada di dunia nyata.. saat ini untuk bisa mengatakan tidak suka akan sesuatu itu seakan sulit.. lebih mudah melampiaskan di jejaring sosial.. apakah suatu hari nanti orang akan tampak baik di luarnya tetapi di jejaring sosial dya dapat memaki apapun sesukanya.. sungguh, dunia ini seakan lebih hidup d jejaring sosial daripada di dunia nyata.. smoga kita bisa belajar untuk lebih sabar dan jujur.. :)


SMANGAT!!! ^^

Berawal dari ketagihan main bowling bareng c upil, ampe pulang makan kebab bareng upil n Mom, aku ngerasa bahagia bangeed!! kenapa? karena beres main bowling aku memutuskan untuk main k tmpat iian.. emg udh janji siih .. hehe

Tepatnya hari Selasa, 24 Juli 2012. dari pagi ampe sore aku hibernasi, sebenernya sempet nyuci siih paginya, cma mau nerusin virus rajin k aktivitas nyetrika malah susaah bgd! maklum, cuaca panas, di tambah malas, akhirnya malah berkutat gak ada kerjaan di depan laptop sambil guling2 d kasur. Sungguh hari yang malas!

Sambil menunggu sms dari temen yang katanya mau ngajakin k istiqlal, aku masih ajah kepo in orang d twitter, berhubung FB yg ujug2 gak bisa login! huhu.. eh sms nya gak kunjung dateng.. -__-"
Dibanding jamuran di kosan gara2 kelamaan hibernasi, aku putuskan buat k Leksika sendirian, sekalian mau ngantri buku gratis yang kyknya bagus, judulnya "If You Were Mine" bikinannya Rebecca Serle.. bukunya okee.. jadi bikin semangat kesana.. :D

Abis mandi sore, plus nyiapin bekel buat buka puasa disana, aku langsung capcuus pake sepedaku tersayang, Kachan. Sore2 di Jakarta itu lumayan indah, gak panas, senjanya pun oke punya,, seribanya d Leksika, ternyata sepii bangett!! sempet baca2 komik religi ttg putri2 siih, tapi karena bentar lagi waktunya buka, jadi aku langsung cabut ja menuju masjidnya, biar cepet2 sholat and langsung ngantri (rencananya sih gitu)

Pas nyampe sana, aku sempet kebingungan karena di serambi masjid ternyata banyak orang, plus mereka duduk melingkar, yg ikhwan satu lingkaran yang akhwat satu lingkaran. Udah ada beberapa piring berisi camilan manis, kue2, dan batagor di tengah2 lingkaran. Aku baru sadar ternyata mereka adalah orang2 yang menunggu waktu berbuka. Berhubung aku disitu sendirian, jadi aku bingung mau duduk dimana. Alhamdulillah ada Ibu baik hati yang nawarin duduk d samping beliau. Aku bahagiaa bgd, jd gak kliatan kayak anak nyasar kan.. hehe

Pas waktunya berbuka, semuanya serentak minum and makan makanan yg udah tersedia. aku yang tadinya canggung bgd jadi merasa nyaman soalnya suasana disitu kekeluargaan bgd. Orang2 pada ngelilingin makanannya, yg tadinya gak kenal jadi kenalan. pokonya hangat bgd deh.. aku diem2 jadi trsenyum.. ini kan prtama kalinya aku buka puasa di masjid kalibata city. sendirian pula. aku kira bakal garing, eh trnyata malah berkesan bgd! trus kita lanjut sholat berjamaah.. abis gitu aku balik lagi k Leksika buat antri buku.

Padahal itu udah setengah 7 malem, tapi baru 4 orang dunk yg ngantri! tumbeen bgd.. yasudaah aku liat2 buku lagi ja dulu, trus aku sempetin baca novel "The Journeys II" tapi cuma pas bagian Rahne Putri aja, eh trnyata tulisan dya disini beda sma tulisan dya di "Sadgenic". Disini dya keliatan ceria and ngga melankolis. Aku cuma sempet baca itu ajah c, soalnya sms an juga sma my beloved one. (-^o^-) hehe
Tadinya aku mau nyari buku "Hujan dan Teduh" soalnya aku pengen bgd pnya buku itu tapi d Leksika ngga ada,, huhu.. paling nanti kalo uang buku keluar aku langsung beli online deeh .. :D hehe


Abis dapetin buku gratis, aku lgsg pulang.. menerjang banyak kopaja dan ancot d jalanaan (ceilee!) hehe , sempet beli kebab karena mendadak ngidam! hehe, alhamdulillah ngga ngantri. :) pas nyampe kosan eh mbak Rahma sama mbak Sisca udah pulang, malah jadi ngegosip lagi kita, tapi tema hari ini adalah cerita horor.. huhu aku ampe takut masuk kamar, ini gara2 onthespot siih.. tadinya mbak Sisca ngajakin bobo bertiga, tapi karena aku udah janji sama Isto buat nginep di kosannya jadi rencana ini gagal! Mbak Sisca kayak ngga rela gitub aku nginep,, hoho

Intinya, aku kira menjalani ibadah puasa di Jakarta sendirian itu bakal ngga asik and boring abis! soalnya anak2 juga dah pada pulang kampung. eh trnyta itu salah besar! justru ketika kita keluar dr ruang lingkup kenyamanan kita sehari-hari, kita menemukan hal-hal baru yang mungkin ngga akan kita alami kalo gak jauh dari temen2 kita.. ketika aku pkir aku bakal kesepian disini.. ternyta aku malah menemukan keluarga baru (Mbak Sisca and Mbak Rahma) yang membuatku merasa nyaman.. See, nikmat Allah mana lagi yang km dustai? hehe (sok nyomot ayat niih.. :P) di bulan ramadhan kali ini aku sungguh bersyukur pada Allah yang selalu sayang sama aku.. Allah tau aku gak suka sendirian , makanya Allah selalu mengirimkan orang2 setiap hari buat nemenin aku,, :) Terima Kasih Allah.. semoga hari esok akan lebih menyenangkan .. Amiin :)

My Love has been gone to participate in a very good training and now I am enjoying this Sunday Morning alone.. but it's okay, cz we've spent our day together for several days ago. sometimes I think that I changed a lot since I met  someone. I started liking what she likes, she also did the same thing. I feel like we complete each other,, :) I even cannot believe that I can spend my day only for watching Korean Drama (King 2 Hearts)!! what a great achievement for someone like me who doesn't really interested in watching movies.. :)

Yupp.. in this Sunday morning I just want to say 'Alhamdulillah' to my Lord for giving me such 'a precious someone'  in my life... Life is always become wonderful because of Your small gifts everyday.. :D


Have a wonderful Sunday, Chingu-ya !!! \(^0^)/

Allah, terima kasih untuk semua hal2 baik yang Engkau berikan dalam hidupku.. Mungkin banyak hal yang masih belum kupahami, namun aku yakin, Engkau menempatkanku pada situasi seperti ini agar aku belajar, agar aku bisa menjadi seseorang yang tidak hanya memahami, tapi juga memaknai setiap moment dalam hidup ini.. Karena setiap moment itu adalah runtutan takdir, dan setiap takdir itu berbeda untuk setiap manusia.. Dan aku pun tau, bahwa segala sesuatu akan indah pada waktunya.. mungkin belum saat ini, tapi jika aku bersabar, maka Engkau akan memberikan kejutan teridah yang pernah ada dalam hidupku.. terima kasih ya Allah dan bantulah aku untuk tetap tersenyum.. :)

(inspired by: "Allah mungkin tidak selalu mengabulkan semua permintaanmu, namun Dia selalu memberikan banyak hal yang indah yang luput dari perhatianmu")

P.S: untuk Allah, terima kasih karena selalu berada di dekatku.. walau sering aku tidak menyadarinya.. aku mencintaiMu..

"Sudahkah kamu memiliki seorang sahabat yang seperti ini?" aku akan menjawab, "sudah" tentu saja .. sahabat2 ku selalu bisa memahami kapan aku membutuhkan mereka dan mereka selalu ada.. sayangnya kamu terkadang selalu menghilang ketika aku membutuhkanmu, dan pada suatu malam kamu bahkan tidak mengijinkanku untuk menangis, padahal aku sudah tidak kuat membendung perihnya goresan yang kamu buat.. dan keesokan harinya kamu meminta maaf dengan wajah yang manis, dan aku selalu luluh.. dan sungguh aku tidak tau sampai kapan hal ini akan berulang.. dan aku selalu menunggu sampai tiba satu masa dimana kamu akan mengerti bagaimana berada di posisiku .. ya, dan aku percaya saat itu akan datang.. cepat atau lambat.. 

"Mau dibawa kemana hubungan kita?" ini satu bait lirik lagu yg menurutku harus dipikirkan matang2 oleh setiap orang sebelum mereka memulai sebuah ikatan.. mungkin aku terkesan sangat ribet ya kalau urusan personal life gini, tapi tau gak sih, kalo kita g mikirin ini dari sekarang, maka jika suatu saat nanti hubungan itu renggang, kita gak tau bakal mau ngapain.. bagiku, sebuah hubungan itu y komitmen.. kalau kamu berani memulai, kamu juga harus berani menjaganya.. dan sebuah hubungan itu gak sekedar "kamu suka, aku suka, terus kita jalani ajah tanpa ada tjuan jelas" gak gitu! galau itu mah namanya.. sebelum memulai sebuah hubungan, pikirin dulu, kedepannya mau ngapain, apakah dia benar2 orang yang tepat, gimana nanti resikonya, masalah apa yg kira2 bakal muncul, etc etc.. sayangny gk semua orang brfikir sepertiku.. mkanya jd nya sering salah paham.. makanya banyak hubungan yg terputus di tegah jalan.. padahal hubungan itu diawali dengan kebahagiaan lho.. kenapa harus berakhir dengan kesedihan? makanya, aku cuma ingin menegaskan, terkadang jadi ribet macam gini pun perlu lho.. seandainya kamu juga bisa seperti ini.. dan gak cuma mengatakan "yaudah kita jalan ajah" .. sesungguhnya sebuah hubungan itu gak bisa berjalan dalam ketidakpastian.. gimana bisa kokoh, kalo fondasinya saja masih bolong2??