It was early morning,
I am on my way to Bekasi.. and she was sitting there, next to me..
She was wearing black veils, wide black skirt, sport shoes, big white jacket and that bag - a square blue jeans bag with a red tie - yes, that suit-like bag.. and the scent of orange..
She just exatcly looked like that person.. huft.. (but the height is different)
And I can't help but took a deep breath..
Dear Allah, is it a sign? Or just coincidence?
There's time when you miss someone out of the blue, and it just happened to me..
Today I went to Japanese festival in UI with my annoying young uncle.. we ride commuters, actually everything happens just as usual, we always talk about anime or casual things, but when he asked me about the train route and which is the far one that I've visited and suddenly I mentioned Serpong..
Then, when he asked why, and I said because I had to spend one day timezone voucher in Supermall Karawaci, he laughed.. but I ain't.. I just space out and I don't know why suddenly that feeling comes, like a flashbacks, everything comes at once.. and I can't help but missing that person.. then I just tell my young uncle everything that I did in timezone with that person, though my uncle think that it was crazy, going to a far place just for voucher.. haha
Then, here it is..
Hey, akuma-chan,
It's almost been a year since the last time we had a trip together, though I create a distance between us recently but sometimes this moments come, when I miss you, coz we used to do those crazy things together and now we don't..
It's sometimes hard for me because every single things in my life reminds me about you, though I could cope with it now, almost.
Last week, your mom sent a message to me, she said she missed me and she wanted me to visit your house when I have holiday.. At that time I didn't know what to reply..coz our situation is different now, and I don't want to break the peace..
So, I just said that I can't promise it but I'll try to come, maybe, someday.
It just so sad since I love your family like mine, it's so hard to make a distance.. I am sorry, I don't know how to tell it to you, too.. so I didn't write anything, it's not because I don't care, I just don't know what to say, and I know you will understand..
Missing someone, it hurts sometimes, but I feel glad too.. because I have those great memories that I can share with my friends.. if we see the bright side of those memories, with someone who no longer with us, it will be a huge motivation, because at least you've done many unforgettable things with someone who knows you the best.. and it will be precious, because this memories make you strong when you meet the hardships in life.. like a patronus in Harry Potter movie..
Though we are not together now, but I'm glad to meet you and have you as one of my precious best friends, and I will never forget you, akuma-chan..
Be strong and have a happy life wherever you are whomever you with..
Because many people love you, adore you and support you for whatever you do..
See you, someday.. ^^
Saranghae nae chinguya~
I was struggling to get over the loneliness last week, yeah, it's still a bit lonely but it's not as worst as last week,
I think I've friend with the silence in this boarding house.. hehe
Guess what? Something good always happened in a bad condition, I admit that being alone made me lonely and since I didn't have many close friends it's kinda hard to express my feelings, some people might not understand it..
But last week I've realized a lot of things, like if we open up our mind, try to contact old friends and keep in touch with new circle, it made me feel like I am not alone.. yeah, at least lot of people care, they accept me, the one who ever made them as 'options' in the past..
I even found a sister that really understand how I felt on those "dark days".. it's rare and unexpected since we just a housemate before but last Thursday, like a water, it's overflowing, like I didn't know why I could easily tell everything to her, like finding a-really-close sister to talk to..
I know that sometimes I am picky, in choosing a close friend, because I can't really open up to people about my privacy.
But I am gradually changed..
I am afraid of a goodbye because I don't want to lose those precious people of mine, but I realize that they will always be there, if they truly love me, distance is not a matter..
Recently, I learn to reply all the text faster, hang out with math friends from SSE, who think differently about me (they previously thought me as a shy and too kind girl, they didn't know that I can be crazy too.. haha) and I also planting positive mind every day..
I started to be grateful of what I have, I never know before that a lot of people want to be close with me, they care about my problems, I never know that I could be this outgoing, I never know that I could be this strong over the loneliness..
I was blind before, I am too focus on one thing.. and now I could see everything clearly..
This is me now, I am no longer 'I am' yesterday.. now I wanna meet new friends, getting close with many people, learn to care, learn to give little things that make them happy, I want to be at least a reason of someone's smile.. I want to be a better person.. and I know that the best is yet to come..
I will never give up on this overwhelming condition, and I know I can pass it well, because only with positive mind I will get over it..
Hope tomorrow will be better.. ^^ Ganbatte ne! Assaaa~
Things that I hate the most are 'a goodbye' and 'being alone'..
I don't know exactly why, maybe because I am an extrovert and a bit dramatic..
Right now, Allah gives me those things at once.. it is hard, because I couldn't cope with it yet..
I thought I could pass it without feeling empty but in fact it is wrong..
Two goodbyes, alone in this boarding house, work loads, no one to talk, I even starting to talk to myself subconciously, hadeuh, what the hell is happening to me now? (Movie effect, too many rude words)
I think this is a condition called overload.. haha
Pretending to be alright, forcing my self to look cheerful though it hurts inside..
Ah, I am not that strong, maybe I am too confident about myself, I end up being pathetic..
Last month, when cepii left, I tried not to show that I didn't want her to go.. I think I made her believe that I will not that sad when she's gone.. I am just fooling myself..
Dear cepii, I am so sorry for being egoist recently, I restricted myself to not too close with you, I sometimes stay in my room and never really open to you.. I guess I am just afraid of that feeling, of a goodbye..
But I was wrong, we've been close without I even realize it.. and I really miss you now.. you always listen to me, we even watch anime together, I cannot watch hunter x hunter now because I might cry, haha so funny right, we used to talk about killua, kurapika and wing-san everytime.. and if I watch it, I will miss you more..
I've never been a crybaby before, but I just hate being alone, because I always think too much.. I can't stop myself because I don't have anyone to talk to.. when someone around, that person can distract me, to not being stressful..
Cepii, you ever said that I always look happy, eventhough I have lots of problems at work.. actually it's because I have you at that time.. extroverts need people to share their feelings.. finally, I get the answer.. hheu
I will never know how precious you are in my life until you're not here anymore.. hhe at least I can feel grateful for the moments we've shared on the last two months.. :-)
I know I have to wipe away this miserable feelings soon, I won't let it occupies me.. since I cannot talk to anyone right now, better to write everything down here, I believe writing is healing, because now I feel much better..
I hope I could find a way to not being lonely.. aaargh newcomers please live at this boarding house soon.. this emptiness is starting to swallow me.. I have to fight it! Yoosshh~ \(>o<)/
It's kinda embarassing but finally I wrote a post, after such a long absence, and it's because I miss a person that I used to tease every day, yeap, the phlegmatic girl with tons of sweet words.. I missed her a lot today..
Yesterday she went home to Lampung, and she will stay there, for maybe a long time..
I tried to be cool to not even shred my tears when she waved a good bye, but yeah, it's hard..
Like a fool, I bought three onigiris as a gift from matsuri in blok m yesterday, and I forgot that she wasn't there anymore.. so I ended up eating two onigiris by my self..
I am not good at expressing how much I like a person, she's the one I used to talk to when I was overload.. and she knew how to deal with my ignorant side, maybe because we both are phlegmatics.. I just kinda feel comfortable around her.. :p
I am trying to cover it up but finally I couldn't help it, I miss her.. hope she would get a lot of happiness there.. :-) she's one of my precious bestfriends..
Katanya "ga apa2 sekali2 jadi egois", ini adalah kata kata yg sangat membekas..
Entah kenapa kata 'egois' seakan asing, mungkin karna lama terkubur kali ya..
Empat bulan ini hidupku terlalu damai, mungkin aq terlalu bebas, terlalu bahagia, walau seringkali merasa bosan..
Rasanya seperti kembali ke masa SMA, kedamaian yg kdang terasa kosong.. tapi aq merasa nyaman dengan diriku,,
Sekarang aq menyadari alasan utama kenapa aq tambah tembem, trnyata karna ga ada hal yg benar2 harus dipikirkan..
Pada dasarnya aku emg plegmatis yg cuek sih, kalau stress sama kerjaan ya tinggal beli camilan enak, nonton, baca komik dan tidur.. besoknya pasti sehat lagi..
Jarang banget ada hal hal yg bikin kepikiran, kecuali kalo itu menyangkut hati, aga susah emang..
Karna aku tipikal yg hidup dengan hati, bukan logika.. cewe banget deh..
Makanya ketika kemarin dan hari ini perasaan galau jaman "dark period" itu datang lagi, rasanya pusiiing...
Ga ingin ngerasain itu lagi, ga ingin balik ke masa itu lagi.. ampe mimpi buruk deh..
Kalo bisa amnesia, dengan senang hati aku akan melupakan semua hal yg ada hubungannya dengan "dark period" itu.. sungguh..
Makanya, ketika lagi galau banget, aku senang sekali ada yg mengatakan klo aku blh egois..
"Terlalu baik" "sabar" " pendengar setia" smua sebutan itu kayaknya udah nempel di jidat,, padahal, aku bukan orang yg baik lho.. aku sungguh jahat, ketika aku benci pada sesuatu, aku benar2 akan menghilangkan keberadaan sesuatu itu dari duniaku, gini2 kata2ku sadis lho..
Cuma aku terlalu pintar menahan diri, terlalu terbiasa sulit menolak, terlalu mudah untuk menerima, terlalu gampang memberikan toleransi, terlalu cepat merasa ga enak.. makanya jatohnya jadi macam begini..
Kadang aku jg ingin jadi antagonis yg bs melakukan apa saja sesuka hati..
Kayaknya kalo ada privat untuk menjadi egois, aku langsung hired tuh guru.. hehe
Kata miss tina, aku harus banyak latihan, dan kayaknya ossi udah lumayan bikin aku jadi orang jahat deh di kantor.. bukan maksud mau ikutan ngebully , cm aku ga ingin berurusan terlalu banyak dengannya.. jadi mencuekkan dia adalah cara yg tepat untuk jaga jarak..
Miss tina juga banyak deh kasih petuah macam2 buat jd manusia yg lebih manusiawi, katanya.. karna egois jg salah satu sifat manusiawi.. cuma itu ga semudah niup bulu mata..
Makanya, aku harap dengan lebih ngedengerin kata hati kayak hari ini, aku bisa latihan untuk menumbuhkan egoisme yg kurang berkembang..
Walaupun tentu semua ada resikonya..
Hanya, belajar untuk melepaskan itu butuh waktu.. melepaskan beban pikiran dan perasaan yg ga perlu..
Aku cuma berharap, suatu saat nanti, di waktu yg dekat ini, aq bisa memulai romansa dengan seseorang yg ditakdirkan.. #efekdramadansinetron
Hehe
"Menulis itu menyembuhkan" ternyata ini benar, aku merasa lega banget udah nulis ini.. walaupun absurd tulisannya.. hehe
Ayooo semangaaaat!!!
Thanks for your caring, I know this exploding box couldn't enough to express how glad I am to have you as one of my precious bestfriend.. hope you'll love it, enzuchan.. ^^
My wish for 2014:
Meet someone who will stay by my side and only look at me..
Breaking this invisible wall, open up my heart to people who want to be close with me..
Being strong.
Being a good person.
